Growing up in a conservative Tam-Brahm family, it never occurred to question the gender stereotypes that were very prevalent in the patriarchal society that we live in. To me, it seemed really okay that the men stepped out to earn the money while the women stayed at home to cook, clean, and take care of the children. It seemed to me that the workload was equally shared between the two genders.
The story changed when my mother was no longer a housewife. I remember seeing her go to work, come back home after a long day and still have the responsibility of bringing food on the table, sitting with the children for homework, and finishing up with the rest of the household chores.
My parents used to argue quite a lot. My mother would constantly ask my father to help her out with the chores but he would flatly refuse – saying, “It was a woman’s job”.
Vanitha, her father Rangarajan, and her sister Vandana.
The strenuous schedule took a toll on her. I saw her gradually slip into depression, get easily frustrated with things, and eventually leave the house & the kids in the sole hands of my father to take care of. The divorce was naturally bitter.
As a single parent, my father now had to go to work and come back home in the evening, fix dinner for the family, sitting with us for the homework, and complete the rest of the chores for the next day- pretty much playing the role of two parents. My father remarried, and this time I noticed a significant change in him. My father suddenly was more helpful in the kitchen. He still sat with us for homework and over the years has learnt to share the workload.
How I wish he did this when my mother asked him to! Maybe then, our family could have avoided the divorce. Maybe then, we could have stayed one big happy family. Maybe then, I could have had a normal childhood.
Both sets of grandparents visiting the Jha family in Bangalore
for the kids’ milestones.
The story had completely changed when I got married to my college sweetheart, Sangeet Kumar Jha. For the first time in my life, I saw that it was both common and normal for the boys in the house to do the “woman’s chores”. They cleaned the floor after every meal, took care of the dishes after the cooking was done, and helped out in all the household chores.
The fact that my father-in-law came back from a full day of work and still made dinner without any question, even though my mother-in-law was just a homemaker, stunned me. I was amazed to see how none of these roles was gender-specific in this household that I married into.
When Sangeet and I moved into our own home, I realised how easy it was to run a house. Both of us took turns for every single task – even paying up equally for the vacations and the grocery. The gender roles no longer existed.
Having children was a whole different ball game. During my six months of maternity leave, it was only natural that I was taking care of the baby full time. When I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, Sangeet came back from work and took care of the baby’s routine at night. If I nursed the child, he would put the baby to sleep. He was now the official ‘Diaper Changer’ in the house. Parenting became easy when both of us were fully involved. Raising two beautiful girls has been nothing short of a dream – just because both the mother and the father contributed an exact 50-50. Equal parenting at its very best.
It’s not just with parenting, where I feel like an equal partner. It’s amazing when Sangeet considers my work schedule, my career ambitions, and my Toastmaster commitments just as important as his meetings, releases at work and his cricket schedules. We always seem to find a win-win scenario in making both priorities happen.
Sangeet having a quiet moment with his two daughters.
When my relatives come home and exclaim, “Oh my God, Vanitha! You are so lucky to have Sangeet in your life.”, I roll my eyes. Sangeet, however, politely proceeds to correct them that there is absolutely nothing “lucky” about what he is doing. “It is how it should be. If it’s not like this in your house, then it’s time to go and #changethestory.”
I’ve had several of my friends come home and take parenting classes from my husband. Even in my conservative Tam-Brahm family, the story has now changed. It’s natural to see my cousin-brothers rule the kitchen, relocate to follow their spouse’s career path, know the kids schedules in and out and be equal partner in every sense – working together as a team and doing what’s best for their families.
Times are changing, and we have come a long way in being a progressive society – but we still have miles to go. It’s not enough if we keep talking about women empowerment, and not do anything about it. We need to begin somewhere – how about we begin at home?
Let’s raise our sons and daughters to contribute equally at home. Let’s break gender-stereotypes to make it a world of gender equality- where cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are considered to be gender neutral basic human skills and no longer “a woman’s job”. Let’s #sharetheload and let’s #changethestory.
#ChangeTheStory
Vanitha Rangarajan, DTM | District 121 Director
Member of WeSpeak Toastmasters Club and IBC Titans Toastmasters Club
16th August 2021
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